-Speaking of your family… -Yes. …one of the things that we love about following you is how open you and Devale are about literally every part of y’all’s lives. -Like when y’all are… -We try to be. -When y’all cool, when y’all not cool. -Not cool. When y’all good, when y’all not good. We figure if we’re gonna tell y’all the story, -we have to tell y’all the whole truth. -Yes. You know what I mean? We can’t start picking and choosing. Exactly. And you guys just launched a podcast. -We did. -Tell me about the podcast -before we go into the topic of the day. -No, absolutely. So it’s Dead Ass with Khadeen and Devale. -I mean, very New York, very Brooklyn. -So New York. -Dead Ass. -And we fought for that name because we knew what it meant for the culture, trying to hold onto a little bit of Brooklyn, -you know what I mean. -Yeah. Um, but we pretty much wanted to be able to give a voice to millennials through the lens of a millennial married couple with children.
So we discuss everything. I mean, between marriage, love, finance, kids, everything under the sun. We didn’t want it to encompass just relationship issues -or topics. -Right. Um, so yeah, we’re about seven episodes in. Airs every Wednesday, make sure you subscribe where you listen. And all that good stuff for the podcast. So, so far, -it’s been great. Thank you. -I’m so happy for you. You guys are doing so well and-and what I love about y’all is that y’all are, like, one of the only millennial representations of, like, a really dope marriage, that’s, like, young and thriving, but still has kids and trying to grow up. -Right. -So, does that become a lot of pressure, like, that people look at y’all as kind of this, like, relationship goals millennial couple? Yeah, we kind of like to shy away from the whole relationship goals, because we feel like this works for us, you know? And so many times, people have asked us for advice.
Like, we do have listener letters, people will write in and we give our advice. But we never want to put ourselves on a pedestal -as if this is what people should aspire to be. -Yeah. However, we do feel like it’s important for us to show you can be an individual, you can support each other, you can goal-chase, you can dream-chase, you can have children, you can be a mom, you can bounce right back. Like, there’s so many things that I want to show people– that my husband and I want to show people– that we can do. -That it is possible. -Yeah. So, um, is there a pressure around it? A little bit.
-Yeah. -Um, but we don’t get too involved in that. We feel like we’re also content creators. Our YouTube channel– this really started with us trying to, as content creators and as actors, -put our real out there. -Right. What better way to do it than on social media? It’s free, people have access, and now we’ve accessed so many people and it’s become kind of like this movement for us, inadvertently, that we didn’t plan for, but we accept the challenge. Well, let me ask you a question. Since you’re, like, -our resident relationship expert on the show. -Yeah. What happened, y’all are not in relationships? -You know I ain’t in no damn relationship. -Yeah, yeah. -My mama told me… -(laughter) You’re the expert, you got, you know, like… I mean, yes. I’m 17 years in, so… -That’s what I’m saying. -17, yes! So, what– this open marriage thing. -Mm-hmm. -Some people say it’s a recipe for disaster. Some people say it’s the only thing that keeps their relationship healthy.
Some people say– you know, it might not be for you, but do you see it as a functional way to have a relationship? I feel– this is my take on it. If it works for you and your spouse or your partner, so be it. The biggest issue, I think, with a lot of relationships, is having the outside noise that drowns what it is you two have decided on. If this is what you decided on because it works for both of you -and it makes you happy, why– do it. -Do it. Do it. So I would never sit here and judge and say– maybe it doesn’t work for Devale and I to have an open relationship, but the farthest thing from our minds is to judge anybody who does decide on it. -Right. -I’ve heard that it’s an oxymoron. -Why have a marriage if you’re gonna be open? -Right. And in what terms is it open? Is it just open sexually? Is it open, you know, in terms of having a whole entire other relationship? I know there was a show on, uh, was it TLC? -Yeah.
-Sister Wife? Seeking Sister Wife. -Yeah, yeah. -You know. -There was a black couple on there. There was a black couple on there, so apparently now, black people are starting to be a little bit more open to the idea of it. Um, and that’s just my take on it. If it works for you– and this is exactly why I don’t ask for relationship advice either, from anybody, because everyone’s jaded. Everyone’s tainted in their own right, -because of their own life experiences. -Mm-hmm. So if it doesn’t work for you, don’t do it. I got friends it works for. I-I think, I think it can work, depending on the people. Again, it’s situational. But I think people are so afraid of communicating, “Hey, this is what I want,” that they’ll suffer in silence, as opposed to being happy. So you never know, if you propose it a certain way, or have certain stipulations, or put it all on the table. ’Cause if this is your partner, there should be nothing -that you keep from. -Absolutely.
-Especially if you married. -Yeah. Put it all on the table. -My husband and I– -Sorry, not to cut you off. -No, no, no. -We’ve had super difficult conversations. -Right. I mean, being together since 18 years old… Yeah, exactly. What’s one of the most difficult? Uh, sex. Sex becomes an issue for us. We think about our sex life from 18-year-olds who are, like, young kids in college and, -“I’m ready to bust wide open.” -(laughter) And then you want to throw in bills and work and children and pregnancy and postpartum and three of them and… and careers. Like, it becomes a lot. And that’s something that we both had to talk about openly.
Like, I’m not satisfied in this area, or I need help in this area. I need you to do XYZ to get me to the point where I want to bust it wide open again. You know, like, little things like that have to be on the table, you have to be transparent about it. So you’re right. The suffering in silence part– Because what tends to happen is someone’s gonna go out there and step out, and then there’s the deceit and the lies and the cheating. And that’s where openness can help, too.
Because then you can say, “All right, I don’t believe–” This isn’t me speaking, this is what this -hypothetical person is saying. -Hypothetical Marc. -We’ll call him Marc. -Okay, we’ll call him Marc. -It’s just all hypothetical. -We’ll call him Marc. Yes, exactly. Marc from Brooklyn says… No. There are a lot of people who say, you know, monogamy’s not a natural thing. And relationships are good and they’re functional and healthy– You want a life partner. But you just might want to have sex with somebody else. Or you might want a different kind of connection. So your marriage becomes the opportunity to have that bond and that future, but then I might step out in these other ways.
I have friends who do that. They have– They have rules around their open marriage, they have rules around their relationship. Like, you don’t fall in love. You don’t go– You don’t date someone else full-time, but you can have other kinds of relationships, other kinds of bonds. You can’t have sex at certain times. You don’t bring them home. I mean, there are all kinds of rules they make that make sense for them. And one couple I know been doing it for 30 years. Another couple I know only been doing it for two, and they’re still trying to work out some details on that. You know what I mean? I don’t think I could deal with that, personally, but I understand why it works for some people. I mean… I’m too selfish. Like, I just– There’s no way -She’s not sharing. -I’m not sharing. I don’t believe in sharing. -But we don’t own people. -You don’t own people. -Yeah, Donald… Sterling. -Sterling. Where are we going with this? (all talking at once) But no, you do not own people, but you do absolutely own who you are and who they are.
Who you are, and what you want to be to them. Like, hopefully, you guys own how you feel about each other, and the experience that you’d like to share with each other. And for me, I would be– And I’m always very open. Like, if I’m gonna get married, this is going to be a me and you partnership. We’re gonna be life partners, we’re gonna be us against the world. But at the end of the day, it is a hard thing to put on anybody to stay married. It’s tough. Like, people are going to mess up, people are going to be human. But at the end of the day, like, open? Nah. You can’t– No. That’s not for me. I can’t– I can’t do it. I would just– No.
I think a lot of the issue arises– Sorry. -No, no, please. -A lot of the issue arises, too, when you take the choice away from somebody. And that’s one thing that my husband and I are very adamant about: give it to me straight. Straight, no chaser. It may hurt, but at least I can now make a decision, I can make a choice. Don’t take my choice away from me to decide whether I want to continue in this or not. Some people believe that relationships are seasonal. You know, they don’t believe in the long haul, you know? You may be here for a season, for a time, and then we’ve had our ways and we’ve gone. That’s for somebody who may not be monogamous, -or believe in monogamy. -Right. So they may feel like there’s a turnover. But when my choice is taken away from me, then I get upset.
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